Pre-op scans complete, results to follow...

The nights following my scans are usually the worst!  I expect that tonight will be spent "tossing and turning" and  not doing much sleeping, which is what I want to be doing.  You might notice that I had to use quotation mark for the phrase tossing and turning, but that is only due to my inability to actually toss and turn at night in bed.  I sleep on my back and only on my back, which is more than frustrating because prior to any surgeries, I was a total stomach sleeper.  I will say that my incredibly amazing bed makes this new sleeping arrangement bearable and I would not trade that bed for anything right now.  I was skeptical when we got it, but now that I have it I couldn't think of living life without it.  Life continues and we adapt to the new challenges that are thrust upon us.

I hate the seemingly endless wait between when I get my scans and when I actually talk to a doctor about what those scans reveal about my situation.  I always expect the worst!  Tomorrow I will find out whether or not we will go ahead with surgery as we have been planning or if the course is to be altered.  The pessimistic side of me is sure that the cancer has spread somewhere else and that the surgery would not do me any overall good and will be canceled.  That side wins out on nights like tonight.  The other side, which remains eternally hopeful, says that the scans will show that the cancer really responded to chemo and that this surgery is a go and we still have a chance to beat this thing.  That side gets me through most days, but not tonight.  I can take that trade off.  I will take one lousy night not sleeping for 6 nights of good sleep during a week.  Nights like tonight don't happen often, but they happen.  I think it's inevitable.  At some point reality does set in and I realize that this battle is long and hard and I have an incredibly steep uphill journey ahead of me and at any point I could slip right back down to the bottom.  For the most part I stay fairly level headed and positive but I always retain a certain amount of understanding of my situation.  Nights like tonight remind me that there is so much in this fight that I have no control over, but that is no reason to give up hope.

Tomorrow I see my favorite MD Anderson personnel, the team of people at the satellite office in Katy.  My head and neck surgeon and her PA are two of my favorite people ever!  I came prepared this time and have gifts for them.  They are getting some of the finest rainbow farting unicorn socks ever to come out of Korea.  Those are two lucky ladies, let me tell you.  The only other person I have every given rainbow farting unicorn socks to is my wife, so they are joining an exclusive club.  I could not imagine being in a situation where I had to tell someone that they are going to die and then move on to the next person and go about my day.  Maybe you get used to it or maybe you don't, either way I wouldn't want to do it.  I am not sure what tomorrow holds in store, but I am ready to face it regardless and keep fighting as best I can.  Thanks for following along with us and for caring enough to read my random banter.