A quickening.

Today was a GREAT day.  Something that I was in dire need of and a nice surprise after so many days of conjecture, unknowns and anxiety.  Don't get me wrong, there are still many unknowns, conjecture and anxiety to be had, but today I got a lot of questions answered and I feel A LOT more optimistic about my plight.  It began early at MD Anderson in the medical center, where by 9 am my catheter drains had been removed and I had a brand new, untethered lease on life!  The neck one was no sweat, but the two in my chest definitely turned my stomach a bit.  There is just something about feeling movement inside the left side of my chest when they are pulling something out of the right side of my body that gets my stomach churning.  They didn't take the stitches out around the transplanted flap on my neck, but those should come out soon.  At the time, it was going to be about three weeks, but after talking with other doctors later, it will be much sooner than that.  Having the drains out feels like such an emotional and physical lift for me, I probably can't adequately describe it.  A funny little story to come out of that was luckily not witnessed by anyone but me, so I was able to walk out of there like nothing happened.  As Jessica and the PA who removed my drains sat in the room going over my medication list, I put my shirt back on and attempted to stand up from the exam table to get my water and get ready to leave.  As soon as I stood I felt my stomach go a little sideways and I immediately lost my balance and would have fallen, had I not turned very quickly and grabbed the exam table.  I apparently didn't make too much of a commotion because neither of them heard or saw anything.  As we walked out of the reconstructive surgery department I laughingly told Jessica about my near miss in the exam room and it was decided that we should go grab some breakfast on the way home.  Whataburger Taquitos are the best thing ever!!
Some quick backstory: while at lunch yesterday, Jessica and I talked about serious stuff that is tough to talk about but necessary at times when dealing with something of the magnitude that we have in front of us.  She asked me if I thought that this was truly it and that if I believed that I was dying.  I basically told her what I really believe in my mind: yes, I do.  I told her I would consider myself VERY lucky if i ever saw my 40th birthday (that is 3.5 years away).  That is not at all to say that I don't have hope that I would live longer than that, I have much hope that I would live much longer than that, but she asked a direct question and I gave her an honest answer.  We talked about various other things mainly whether or not we should sell our house and move, uproot the kids and the like that would come with a pretty substantial life changing move.  It was a good, lively chat to have over lunch with some useful decisions being made as a result.
Now we can fast forward to this afternoon when I met with my radiation oncologist, Dr. Gregory Chronowski.  I like him a lot, he is very informative and knowledgeable and I find it very easy to talk with him and he will answer whatever I ask to the best of his abilities.  Jessica and I asked him a variety of questions, mine more had to do with the mechanics behind the spread of squamous cell carcinoma of the tongue in people my age, but also options should recurrence #4 occur, should it spread to the lungs, etc.  Also included were yearly life estimates/expectations with various best/worst case scenarios and situations.  We also went over the plans for me this time and what I could expect and the high risk areas and overall big risks with what we are about to try to accomplish.  We know this: I will receive a heavy dose of radiation to the area affected in the most recent surgery and where the most recent tumors were located.  He is unsure whether he will treat me more comprehensively and also hit the right hand side of my neck with significant radiation in an effort to "pre-treat" the area and possibly prevent a recurrence.  There are additional risks associated with this and he is going to present my case again to their multi-disciplinary "tumor board" next week and see what the team of doctors think would be the best course of action.  It was great to hear his plan and hear how aggressively, but also carefully he plans to be with regards to areas of my body that have been radiated previously.  There apparently is a huge jump in severity and possibility of permanent side effects in radiating previously radiated parts of the body.  The overall outcome of the visit was positively awesome with his position truly being that he believes my cancer to be fully treatable and (surprising to me) fully curable, even at this point.  I believe he used the phrase cautiously optimistic, but he was very positive in his expected outcome and it was refreshing to hear.  My surgeon also popped in while I was talking with him and she had a couple of questions for me in addition to just wanting to check in on me and say hi.  I like her a lot too, and I feel like they are both operating with my best interests in mind but also with the overall goal of curing me of this disease but also leaving me with as good of a quality of life as possible.  Dr. Chronowski also wants to get this party started as soon as possible and the plan that we left with today is that I am going to go in for my simulation next week and I will start radiation on the 2nd of June.  That is just 3 weeks post-op, but he feels confident that my body will be ready and so does Dr. Pytynia (my surgeon), so I say lets do it!  I am all for getting this thing started and finished as soon as possible so I can get on with my life.  It will still be 6 weeks long with concurrent chemotherapy, but I will finish in mid July!  I like this plan a lot and am ready to get it started.  While I am sure the road ahead will be rough, I am now much more ready to face it head on and fight with everything I have.  With that I think it is time to call it a night, but I should reiterate: it was a GREAT day.