My surgeon can remove the main tumor, along with my voice box and leave me with no voice and a hole in my neck to breathe through for the remainder of my life (however long that would be). My surgeon's opinion is that left untreated, I would have less than one year of life left, if that. She is confident that she can perform the surgery and that I would recover from it, but she doesn't know that it would extend that year because of the possibility of additional tumor growth. That is why I need the additional biopsies this week. IF it is only the one tumor and everything else comes back 'clean', there is a SMALL chance that the surgery could totally cure me of this disease. If that is the case, then I would likely elect to have the surgery. That would be the only way I will consider it. These surgeries are hard. They are hard on everybody. Physically and emotionally. All other prior surgeries have not produced the intended outcome, and I fear this one would be the same. My thought process has shifted a bit and am leaning more towards treating this in a different manner.
It all involves decisions that are extremely hard to make. Decisions that I never thought I would have to make. Decisions that no person should have to make. Decisions that greatly impact my life and the lives of all the people close to me. I don't particularly want to die right now (or in the next year), so I have to be prepared to make the best decision that I feel will get me the most amount of time here on this earth. Is it worth 6 months of surgery and recovery with a feeding tube and no voice if it doesn't gain me any more time? I don't think so. I would rather live that last year with my voice and relatively healthy until ultimately succumbing to the disease. I am looking into clinical trials as an option, to see if my cancer responds to a different drug combination as to this point, all I have been given are platinum based chemotherapy drugs. I also don't have all the info needed to make these decisions and so I feel rather helpless. The last time I talked to the medical oncologist he was talking about analyzing the genetic makeup of the tumor to see if there are targeted therapies that show promise, so I need to talk to him about that. Hopefully this week will help fill in some holes and I can feel better about a path forward. Right now I feel like I am spiraling out of control and it is hard to get my thoughts and emotions in check. I am filled with such unbelievable sadness and anger and a plethora of other emotions and they come and go in waves. Some days are better, but others are so very hard just to get through.
I keep telling Jessica that it will get better and I truly think it will, but right now it is so very hard to make it through the day without tears. I can not give up fighting and I can not lose hope. And so I continue on, full of hope that I find something that will work. Something that will give me a little extra time with Bowen and A.J. I am so torn, though, as I also do not want them to watch their dad just waste away and die. I would do anything for them, they are my life and they mean everything to me. I am so proud of who they are even right now at 7 and 9 years old and it makes me stand so much taller knowing that those two little boys are MY boys. They are going to lead such amazing lives and go on to do incredible things! And so we carry on! We learn a little more each day and hopefully will have a plan in place and a direction that we start heading soon. It will be a hard road ahead, but together we will prevail. The darkness shall not overcome.
I keep telling Jessica that it will get better and I truly think it will, but right now it is so very hard to make it through the day without tears. I can not give up fighting and I can not lose hope. And so I continue on, full of hope that I find something that will work. Something that will give me a little extra time with Bowen and A.J. I am so torn, though, as I also do not want them to watch their dad just waste away and die. I would do anything for them, they are my life and they mean everything to me. I am so proud of who they are even right now at 7 and 9 years old and it makes me stand so much taller knowing that those two little boys are MY boys. They are going to lead such amazing lives and go on to do incredible things! And so we carry on! We learn a little more each day and hopefully will have a plan in place and a direction that we start heading soon. It will be a hard road ahead, but together we will prevail. The darkness shall not overcome.
Thank you for sharing Bryce. "Darkness shall not overcome." Preach it.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your honesty, Bryce. You will find the right path, even though it may not be easy. You, Jessica, and the boys will never be alone in the fight.
ReplyDeleteLove that you are quoting Scripture John 1:5
ReplyDeleteThis doesn't mean that darkness won't attempt to overcome the light. However, its efforts will be frustrated and unsuccessful because the light of God always prevails, even in what seems to be the darkest hour or the bleakest situation. Darkness simply doesn't have the power or ability to put out God's light. Since you are a child of the light (Ephesians 5:8), this means darkness doesn't have the ability to put out your light either!